Guys, I have something very serious we need to talk about. It's been weighing on my mind for a long time. LeBron, I know you read my last couple posts and you're seriously considering having me come on full time as your PR coach, but I have even more advice for you. This advice will benefit your mind more than anything else, and this advice is the same for you as it is for Tiger. I think this advice will put both of you at ease and free your mind unlike it's been in probably five to seven years. You're both in a dark place right now. I've been there myself, and I know exactly how it feels. I can literally say the three of us are exactly the same in this regard. We've felt this way and it's not very fun. But I can tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's a light that is liberating. You might feel self conscious. You might feel ashamed. But you shouldn't feel these things. After you take my advice, you will stand proud along with millions of us just like you. Do you know what I'm talking about? Do you know what you need to do? I think you both know. You've been holding back for years now. Again, I was the same way. It's a little like the five stages of grief, but I would argue this only has three stages. First it's denial. "No, I could never do that. That's ridiculous." That's what you'll tell yourself. Then, it's bargaining. "Maybe if I just wait a little bit things will get better. There's treatment for this right?" But trust me, the last stage is the best. Acceptance. But there's one thing you have to do before you inhale that sweet breath of acceptance.
GIVE IT UP ALREADY AND SHAVE YOUR HEAD
It's time to join the bald brotherhood. I told you I know how you feel. But guys, trust me, it's time. In fact, it's been time for several years now. It's time to stop paying for haircuts, it's time to stop bargaining in front of the mirror. It's time to stop researching hair restoration, that just looks horrible and fake (I'm looking at you Deion Sanders). LeBron, you even shaved it once last summer, what happened? Why did you go back? It was probably that damn PR guy that writes your tweets, wasn't it? Again, I'm here to help. Tiger, come on man. You too. I know your body is shot and your trying to compete again, and I sincerely hope you do. But shaving your head would help you worry about one less thing. Wearing a hat 24/7 is not helping anything either, by the way. I know your life had some rough patches there for a while and all that stress is toxic to a full head of hair. Shave the head and focus on tuning your game for the Masters this spring. That way when you take your hat off to shake hands on the 72nd hole after tapping in for the win, the whole world will be like "YES! Tiger's back, but more importantly, he finally did it, he shaved his head, I'm proud of that guy for so many reasons."
Again guys, let it go. It's time. Join the brotherhood, and it is a brotherhood. What other group has Jason Statham, the Rock, Bruce Willis, Tyrese, Michael Jordan, David Beckham (when he shaves it), and YOURS TRULY? I should be charging both of you for such great advice but consider it my gift to both of you. You're welcome, and let freedom reign.